Even though we’ve chosen to be apart, to live our separate lives, we still need to communicate clearly and frequently. And without a forcing function of speaking with one another, we have options about how we want to keep information flowing freely. Here are a few that I’ve been using over the past 8+ years to keep us on track and parenting well.
Email: For official business such as scheduling, vacation plans, after-school activities, birthday parties. Also to share updates from the school and any financial matters. Why? First, we’re all busy and may lose track of schedule switches or holiday plans. It’s nice to go back and check in our email. We can flag it and reference it if there’s any confusion. Second, it’s easy to have a more thoughtful conversation on email than text. There’s less chance of reacting to a request when you’re juggling groceries on the train. If it requires thought and may cause a trigger (switching schedules can be stressful), then email is the way to go.
Texting: What I consider the perfect the format for quick notes, follow-ups, and nudges or reminders. I use texts to confirm what we’ve agreed upon in email (more communication is better!) And to check on the status of something. For example: Meet you at the park at 3. Do you have his piano music? Have you submitted the form for the Parents Association? Texting is a great way to get a quick response to confirm the calendar or to open a quick chat. Such as, I need to schedule a doctor appointment, can you please give me a call so we can find a time that works for both of us? These might be things that you also don’t want to record on email, something you may want to chat through first.
Coffee chat or a talk & walk : Every once in a while we catch up in person. My son’s dad has always made an effort to meet up after a school conference. When it’s important to get on the same page, it’s important to process our responses together. When things get busy, around the holidays, it’s also good to meet and chat in person. To talk through each parent’s expectations of the holidays. I like to follow up the conversation with an email, confirming what we decided to move forward with.
Phone calls: I reserve the phone for urgent matters. For example, I’ll call if there is an immediate switch in plans, if our child is injured, if there’s been an incident at school, if his dad is late to picking him up, and (of course) if he’s not responding to my texts. I generally don’t use the phone because text is easier and is generally sufficient for quick exchanges. I never leave a voice message, I always just text a message, such as “please call me back, it’s important.” I don’t even have to say it’s about our son, because that is assumed. If it’s NOT about our son, I will mention that.
So overall, these channels have been great. Every once in a while we’ll also have dinner together, or celebrate a birthday or holiday, but that’s not really for communication.
A few things I’ve learned…
- Be polite: I try to start the text “good morning” and email “ i hope you’re well” When meeting in person, I try to remember to first say “hello” before barking that he’s 45 minutes late 😉
- Listen: it’s easy to hold onto resentments and frustrations which can block us from hearing the other parent. Here’s an article about listening and paraphrasing. It applies to co/parents too. Become a Better Listener. Your Family Will Thank You.
- Be creative: This is what works for me. It may not be the best solution for you. How might you want to use different communication channels to stay on the same page and build a healthy coparenting relationship.
I hope these are helpful. Let me know what you do to keep the info flowing.
