Arrrgh. We both forgot Mother’s Day.
By the time I realized mother’s day was around the corner, my son’s dad had scheduled a trip to his girlfriend’s family’s home in D.C. I texted and called several times and when I got him on the line he said, “I forgot, and i’ve been very accommodating for my birthday and the Fourth of July, so of course you’ll be flexible.”
I’m a planner, and I try to set dates weeks (or months) in advance, his dad lives day-by-day and typically plans a few days in advance. We’re different! Bringing up adjustments from last year’s schedule felt like a low blow. However, being reminded of of times we’ve each been flexible, supporting each other’s plans, is helpful. And being flexible is a key part of coparenting well.
Lesson 1: Keeping track and reminding the other parent can be an effective way of adjusting the schedule. To keep track, you can start a Google Spreadsheet, and then jot down when you adjust the schedule to meet their needs, and ALSO when they adjust the schedule to meet you needs. I did this, and it worked! I was forgetting a lot of the times he met my needs.
Going back to our phone call: It didn’t just end at that. He went on to say Mother’s Day a pointless, Hallmark holiday. This unnecessary judgement triggered my defensiveness, and after 2 years in court, those rails run deep.
Lesson 2: Try to keep your personal biases out of the conversation. Saying something like, “Mother’s Day is fake holiday!” or “Your birthday is not as important as Mother’s Day, what are you 10 years old?” Are NOT productive comments. Ask questions. Would make it okay for the other parent to agree? And if you’re the other parent, what would make it fair to you? Don’t take advantage of the moment. This is one of millions that will come up. Have good intentions! And try to see things from the other parent’s view.
How about proactively calling. It might play out like this:
“I’m sorry, I completely forgot it was Mother’s Day. What can we do to make this work for everyone?”
“I was looking forward to celebrating mother’s day with our son.”
” I’m sure this isn’t ideal for you. But is there some way I can make it up to you? Maybe we can swap Father’s day? What do you propose?”
I check my calendar and agree to an easy swap.
This is better than a 45 minutes of back-and-forth of nonsense arguments about the value of mother’s day, your birthday, and how much you do and whatever’s my prerogative; threats, anger, resentment.
Remember: You’re in this together. You had a child together. You probably even loved each other once upon a time. Fighting causes exhaustion. Lawyers won’t stop the fighting.
