What’s best for everyone
When we designed our coparenting schedule, we were focused on “what’s best for our child.” as it should be. Now, during a pandemic, when many of our support systems are unavailable, we need to re-evaluate and consider, what’s best for everyone: mom, dad, child, and bonus family?
In the first few months of shelter-in-place, I witnessed a new social norm of socializing online. My son played Animal Crossing with a new buddy and ROBLOX with a long-time friend. He got excited to connect through games, and it seemed like a saving grace to the disruption of school and camp. However, there is a down side to this. Technology can feel like it’s breaking my son’s imagination. That he’s only consuming and not creating, the way kids are meant to do. And with his dad, he’s not on technology. So I was able to identify, early on, that spending more time with dad would help him continue to develop the right aspects of his mind while also being able to spend time online.
Working AND parenting from home
“I have never quite sorted out the conundrum of how I could be distracted into thinking about something as tiresome as email when I was with my beloved kids. If I lost all my emails, I’d manage, and if I lost my children, I’d never recover; yet still I sometimes find it hard to stay in the moment with them.”
Andrew Solomon, Under Pressure
Before the quarantine my son was busy with school and camps while I worked. I would come home eager to see him and prepare for the evening routine. Now, I’m working from home. I’m making his meals, and tending to him during the day. When left to his own devices, he literally turns to his devices: a computer, tablet, and a Nintendo Switch egads!.
In this case, it makes sense to adjust the schedule. Our (often fought over) schedules now include additional driving, and I’m trying to work full time while he’s home with me. Also, at his dad’s house, he has a brother and bonus mom. To accommodate, we adjusted the overnights to two in a row. We’re more at a 50/50 nighttime schedule, and I fully appreciate having my son’s dad handling these extra overnights.
I appreciate the extra support. I do not know what I would do without his father and bonus mom and brother. Think for a minute, how might the situation differ without the other parent? If you answered, “impossible.” “I’d be drained, going to bed at 7, and living on coffee.” Then, you see this is a moment to appreciate. If you answered, “it would be better,” there might be some books in the upcoming resources section to help.
Extra “me” time to cope
During COVID-days, I allow my parenting rules to slip, as my son spends hours on his computer, while I take meetings from my living room, navigate the ambiguity of our future, and manage my anxieties. His independence on a computer provides us both space, while living in close quarters. It’s also a true godsend that when he’s with his dad he’s on a swim or a hike, and I can continue to plow through my work and focus on my personal needs. I’ve always felt like I had enough time to get stuff done, but right now, I need extra.
I tried creating a point system. He’d earn points to play video games. screen time, and he was given extra time if he used DreamBox, Mimo (coding lessons), worked in the yard, helped me around the house, read a book, etc. This has helped diversify his activities and still give him what he wants most, to play Animal Crossing, Brawlstars, and Minecraft. At first, it worked. Then, as my workload grew heavier and screen rules started to slip, I lost control of the system.
During this time, I could not operate as required (to maintain my sanity and my job status) without my son’s dad. I’m sometimes surprisingly grateful that he and our bonus family are key contributors to a happy and healthy child.
