We’re six+ long months into the coronavirus. Me time’s been extended hours and days after a camp-free summer. My son’s father and bonus mom and brother are close, more familiar, as we spent many summer nights together — in form and fashion of isolating our germs from the world.
The parenting schedule was altered as a result of Covid. First, to reduce driving time and distraction-free work from home. Then, when we returned to the city his dad insisted on maintaining the schedule; adding an extra night during the week to his docket. Since I work from home and was too tired to argue, I agreed. It’s a slight adjustment, less dinners and good nights. I find myself more excited on days when I can pick him up from school after two long days alone. I have work and meetings, sometimes I just want to lay off the screens and feel the welcoming walls of my first Manhattan apartment. It all feels okay.
This realization also has me wondering, how do you design a progressive child custody calendar?
Over the past 11 years my son and I have spent many weekends in the park, we transverse from east to west, and soak in the nature with runners, bikers, dog walkers, lovers, all enjoying the same space. Now, I continue to enjoy the space but my son is often preparing for his next assignment, wants to build a new machine or head straight home to take off the mask and grab a snack. There’s less time to wander, because things feels more restricted and wearing a mask gets a bit tiresome. I miss wandering and breathing in the fresh air.
As he grows up, school reports are less about the threat of finding an unknown in his development and more about establishing good habits (and reducing distractions on the computer). We’re past the nail biting anticipation that our child would be ejected due to his lack of potential. As he gets older, my role is also changing. I’m fading a bit into the background. I accept this, a stage manager appeals more than a star of the show.
We need to focus on the child’s needs and recognize that the extra space we may have, as a result of adjusting the scheduling, provides time to reflect and grow and prepare for what’s next.
This realization also has me wondering, how do you design a progressive child custody calendar. Even in a pandemic, the schedule can’t be designed around one parent’s potential for loneliness. It’s about providing the most seamless experience for the child. Rather than sleeping in one place, how do you minimize the transitions to provide more time to finish homework, eat dinner, and practice piano?
The one sleepover a week is a solid option for younger children. Even alternate weekends with alternate weekday overnight. Creating a single place for the child to sleep, to have a consistent bed to lay his or her head. I believe this is good. Being home for dinner and time to bathe and rest, as a young child this feels right. It’s not always possible, and some children will have multiple overnights and a split across homes. But I prefer a standard home for overnights for the very young. Maybe controversial, but wait, there’s more. As the child gets older, I’m learning that having more time, equal number of overnights with each parent, seems fine. It still feels balanced.
Especially now. And especially with a bonus mom and a brother. It’s a built-in playdate. We all need to be a little more forgiving of ourselves and others right now. We need to focus on the child’s needs and recognize that the extra space we may have, as a result of adjusting the scheduling, provides time to reflect and grow and prepare for what’s next. It reminds me… I may be spending this time reading “Decoding Boys,”something I started and then forgot about.
What’s your story? How have you navigated these times while coparenting?
