As co/parents, we have similar objectives: to raise happy & healthy children. So, why is it painstakingly difficult to agree upon a schedule? I suspect it’s because we’re human, we’re emotional, and at times, we’re protective, or doubtful. When my emotions creep-in, blurring my judgement, I pause before reacting and reflect on what I’ve learned. I try to see the big picture, consider what’s best for my child, and sideline my emotions. I hope that some of what I’ve learned can help you make good decisions, too.
1. It’s about the child, it’s not about me
This comes early and often. I have to ask myself, “is this better for my son in the long-run?” From custody arrangements to considering an extra night at dad’s during a pandemic, I ask, “what’s best for my child?” I put my personal grievances aside. During the quarantine, I’ve discovered that I am working full-time, while his dad, bonus mom, and brother provide an environment to hike and play during the day. Even if I miss him while he’s gone, I agree that extra time at dad’s will help him stay healthy and happy during this time.
2. Let go of the past and forgive… continually
Particularly after a custody battle or a break-up, it’s hard to be civil toward the other parent. It might mean taking a step back, relying on the first principle, “it’s about the child, not about me,” to make better decisions, and allow time to heal. Over time, you can find a way to forgive the other parent and see the new situation of coparenting as a new chapter. Forgiveness will be a gift to yourself and your child. Currently, I’m rereading Jenna Flowers book, “The Conscious Parents Guide to Coparenting,” and it made me think that forgiving someone allows us to live in the present moment without anger, suspicion, nor resentment toward them. When my son’s dad and I are in a good place, we can make decisions based on the present — focus on the here and now. This is what’s best for our child.
3. Be constructive when communicating
Communication is a central part of coparenting. In the early days, most of our communication was done formally over email. I continue to lean on this method for schedules and events. Email sets a precedent, you can go back and easily find it, and you can even schedule send your emails from gmail. Try to keep your emotions out of your communication if your emotions are running hot. Keep your cool! Reread emails that you wrote while reacting to something the other parent said or did. Ask, “Would I send this to my boss?” I applied my business skills when communicating early on to ensure I kept things above the line (we’ll talk about “the line” later). I tried to keep all communications about the schedule and other parenting business, and tried my best not to get mad that he came back with ruined shoes.
4. Work toward a happy ending
You’re in it for the long haul. Coparenting is probably the longest job you’re going to have, and you can’t quit nor can you fire your partner in chief. You’re both in charge of this business and you can run it into the ground or you build something incredible together.
The ending is (likely) decades away from today, so when stuck on a decision, ask, “how does this play out 5 years from today?” If it’s a blip on the radar, don’t sweat it so much.
